Tamsin Constable

What your staff think about your corporate claptrap Part 1

Bosses: pay attention!

Your employees last week vented their rage at the corporate clap-trap they have to endure at work.

They came up with hundreds of hilarious examples of the empty, self-important jargon they hear from clients, colleagues … and in particular, from their managers.

Business jargon drives people mad. They don’t hear your message; they hear only pomposity. And if you think that gobbledygook increases people’s respect for you, think again – it does the opposite.

I do have a smidgen of sympathy – many people don’t even realise they’re talking or writing in jargon. So allow me to enlighten you, by quoting just a few of the comments from a Mumsnet forum last week – edited very slightly to remove some of the stronger language used to express frustration. There were so many gems that I’m going to split the posts.

Consider it a favour. Here goes with Batch 1:

‘from the get go’ – what the hell does that mean anyway?

We don’t want to be left scrabbling for the side of the bath. Let’s not reinvent the wheel. We don’t want to overegg the pudding. Now that you are inculcated.

piece… as in ‘I work in finance but i’d be really interested in becoming involved in the project management piece’

Why have a dog and bark yourself – meaning managers passing their crappy jobs that they don’t want to do onto the office pond scum

has anyone had ‘create a straw man’ yet. That one used to drive me mental.

My company actually banned the use of the word solution because it is completely meaningless.

We had bottoming out and trying to get to the end-zone too.

Argh. My boss always wonders what things will look like. She once followed it with ‘we’ll have to suck it and see’ and I was almost a little bit sick in my mouth <-sick face I sit in meetings playing twatspeak bingo. I’ve heard “cold hard cash” said 29 times in one 90 minute meeting by the same person is a standout bit of arsery. I just hate it all. I can’t help cringing when I hear jive like this!

Make sure you divert your device so that we avoid flat lining…

Hilarious! We get all of these. My boss is always saying ‘granularity’, ‘crunchy’ and ‘bandwidth’. It’s so annoying that I put in his appraisal feedback that he would sound more intelligent if he talked properly.

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