Tamsin Constable

Corporate claptrap Part 2

Bosses: more vented feelings and juicy samples. I can’t even begin to justice to the forum responses; see Mumsnet for the full fun.

silo thinking
operational excellence
strategic pillars
corporate levers
visions and values
ramp ups
go lives
people being on and off message
engaged and positive people (or not!)

Warming up as in “lets warm him up before the meeting”
Sending out documents is so passé – “socialise” them instead
Paradigm shifts.
Solutions come in 2 flavours strategic or tactical
Vanilla – generic, as in no flavour…but vanilla is a flavour!! grr.
Piece – “action me to own this piece”
Space – “I’m working in an ideas space”
Reach out – talk to
Location agnostic (I’m not sure if I believe in locations?? )
Runway – project plan

My place is rife with this nonsense. I’ve been there so long that I’d actually forgotten that this is not a normal way to talk.

Have we had ‘functionality’ ‘litmus test’ or ‘audit trail’ yet?

‘all hands’ meetings.

“low hanging fruit” aka “easy wins” i.e. quick and easy things to do. Then you can Tickbox. Importantly.

Right, I am going to make a list of all of the “best” ones in preparation for our “cross business unit pollination” and we can play bullshit bingo at the meeting

“let’s discuss the technical underpinnings of this issue”.

shake the tree more. we are a leading solutions provider…

In our reports, our conclusions have to be labelled as opportunities and challenges rather than positives and negatives.

Let’s run it up the flagpole and see how it flies. For, as one of my old bosses memorably put it ‘if we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure’…

In my old company, the Sales Director used to be full of cliches. We used to play “cliche bingo” at the main sales conferences/updates we had to go to. One of his favourites was “punching above our weight”

Ugh, some of these are tooth-achingly familiar, mainly “going forwards” .

Also cannot stand being asked to “progress” something – just sounds so wrong being used that way. Or being “tasked” with something.

At my place there seems to be a consensus that the words “me” and “you” are too direct and rude to be used.
This results in phrases such as:
“I’ll await advice from yourself”
“We need to meet with yourself to discuss this”
“Please read the paper prepared by myself”

“Bend over and take a haircut” = oh dear, we need to lower our prices

“Let me throw you a concept grenade here…” The same person also later described a possible design decision as “creating a rod/back interface situation for us”.

Let’s take a helicopter view of the situation
Let’s put the wheels on the trolley and see which way it rolls
Managing customer expectations – hate that one. Just say no, it can’t be done, you can’t have it etc.
We need to eat a reality sandwich
It’s foot on the ball time
Financial services – it’s rich in ***speak

Don’t give me the birth pains; just give me the baby
Can you take this down as an action on you (Can you do it)
Let’s diarise (put it in the our diary?)
Revert back (there is no such thing!)
We really need to granulate this
And of course all the going forwards/c.o.p/stakeholders/scoping out… GRRRR

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